Jun 132012
 

I love food, but I like things simple and not too fancy. My home recipes use minimal ingredients for maximum taste. Some food trends seem like a big waste of time, and here are some of the worst…

Brown Rice Sushi

This looks like you’re holding an asshole. (Pardon my language, kids)

Blech! Brown rice sushi is the equivalent of fried chicken with no skin or the Daytime Emmy Awards. I can only imagine how upset a traditional sushi chef would be, having to cater to the whims of hipsters and fatsos. Just eat the white rice for gosh sakes, it’s not going to make a difference in your overall health. You go to all this trouble of eating brown rice but you know you’re just going to end up making sweet mouth-love to a tub of chocolate ice cream later that night. Oh to make matters worse, brown rice sushi is even more expensive than its white rice counterpart, which is like having to pay more for a sweater with only one arm hole.

Dressing on the Side

Come on! Just pour it on there!

The only time I eat vegetables is when I have salad. And if there is no dressing, then I guess I’m not having any vegetables that day. Apparently a McDonald’s salad has as much fat as a Big Mac because of the dressing. That holds true for most salad which is why you’re supposed to put the dressing on the side. But the day I pick up lettuce with a fork and gingerly dip it into a small plastic cup half-filled with dressing is also the day I take the same fork and insert it into my neck.

Chipotle

I’m still not sure if this is actually chipotle

What is chipotle anyways? Is it like salsa? Everywhere I go, they’re featuring some dish that contains chipotle. Midwest Chicken Chipotle Grilled Burger – Southwest Fajita Chipotle Steak Wraps – South by Southnorth Alligator Chipotle Corn Pops. Why is it in everything now?

Gastropubs

Where everybody knows your name

I actually like the concept of gastropubs, and they’re kind of what I’ve always wanted in a restaurant. It’s supposed to be like a place where you can drink, hang out, and get something awesome to eat if you want it. It’s just the term “Gastropub” seems kind of snooty. Why do you need a fancy term for what is essentially a restaurant/ bar? If you ever hear me uttering the sentence “Hey, let’s go to that nearby Gastropub” – you have permission to punch me in the face.

Pretzels

What a waste of dough

What is it, like just a pretzel? I’ve had people beg me to try these things, but it’s a pretzel – I’m not going to get excited over a pretzel no matter how good it tastes. It’s a pretzel.

Quinoa

I had to pretend I liked eating this. I gave an Oscar-worthy performance.

Blargh! My ex made me “fried rice” one time, but using only quinoa. She was also recently turned into a vegan (they’re like vampires, if one bites you, you also become a vegan). So this version of quinoa fried rice also had fake meat, sprouts, and a whole head of cabbage. This thing was like opening up a beanbag and eating the contents (while a crazy person watched my every bite to make sure I liked it).

Sous Vide

I’m going to use my Dyson vacuum to cook a roast beef

Again, this is something just too fancy for my taste. If you don’t know what it is, it involves vacuum packing meat and cooking at low temperatures to get tender and juicy results. But to me, good cooking is about controlled chaos with bubbling pots, oil splattering in frying pans, and ovens super-blasting food at 400 degrees. It’s not about putting a hunk of meat into a bag, vacuuming it up, and then letting it sit in a bubble bath. Yes, the sous vide meat I’ve tried was very tender, but it was also one step away from having the consistency of tofu.

Stuffed Crust Pizza

This pizza looks circumcised

I don’t need anything in my crust except crust. It doesn’t make it better no matter how much cheese you stuff into it, and certainly not if you start filling it with hot dogs. Would you like it if I took a turkey baster and stuffed your ear with oatmeal? No? Then don’t stuff my crust with cheese or wieners.
That’s what she said.

Poutition

As big a waste of time as Occupy Wall Street

Up in Canada, we have a dish called poutine. It’s basically fries covered with cheese and gravy – or as Americans call it, salad. This is a dish made by French people which means if a German Bratwurst ever invaded your home, Poutine would immediately surrender and leave your kitchen. The Canadian version of Wendy’s has recently started a campaign to make poutine our national food. I have no problem with that but they are asking for support by signing something called a “Poutition”. In case you haven’t figured it out, that’s a combination of the words “poutine” and “petition”. This is just the stupidest thing ever and anyone who ever puts a pen to anything called a poutition is not a human being according to my already very-loose definition.

Salad instead of fries

Please don’t suggest stupid things.

You’re kidding me, right?

Hidden Veggies

What’s the deal with being married to a millionaire?

According to Jessica Seinfeld (I think she’s Chris Rock’s wife), one of the best ways to get kids to eat vegetables is to mush them up and hide them in their food. You know another way to get kids to eat vegetables? It’s called parenting. It involves telling your kids to eat their damn vegetables. Who the heck has time to grind up spinach and pour it into a pancake just so their kids don’t complain?

Using Your iPhone in any Way

This is made with the eggs of angry birds.

I am willing to concede that eventually we’re all going to be taken over by robots. But we don’t have to help them out! The iPhone is becoming too big a part of our lives, and it’s creeped into the world of food as well. People have started to write their grocery lists on their iPhone rather than using a regular pen and piece of paper. Are your groceries really so precious that you have to type them out into your iPhone?

I could also do without the updates from your iPhone, hooked into your Twitter feed, connected to your Facebook page, telling me which restaurant you’re eating at. And then that’s followed by an Instagram picture, posted to my wall, tagging 5 other people so that it shows up multiple times on my feed. The other trend I see these days is people using their iPhones to scan various food-related item or bar codes using some fancy app they’ve downloaded. Can’t you just sit down and eat without giving the robots all the personal information they need to defeat us?

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